G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra French trailer

Coming soon to your SyFy Satur...oh, wait...it's NOT a SyFy Channel Original Movie? It's a bloated, expensive piece of crap coming out in actual theatres? Oh...

The French subtitles aren't the bad part...the movie is the bad part. It looks bad, really bad. 1:53 is the start of a particularly bad part.

What is going on here? Is that Nic Cage or a drawing of Nic Cage? Is Bangkok Dangerous an animated feature? If not, what the hell is that a picture of?

It's bad enough that his hair is absolutely ridiculous in this movie, but why is he so air-brushed as to appear to be a drawing?

Obsessed. The movie we've seen a thousand times before...

In this trailer we see Ali Larter (bad actress, only cast in things so she can walk around in her underwear) playing a temp who begins to stalk her boss, Idris Elba, and then tries to kill his wife, Beyonce (why? I don't know. She seems oddly cast against Elba). It's a movie we've seen a bazillion times before. The old: She's new (temp, nanny, receptionist, etc), she wants the boss, he's married, she finds out he's married and won't cheat, he tells her to buzz off, she gets angry, she tries to kill herself but makes it look like he tried to kill her, abuse her, etc, he gets arrested and blamed, she goes after the wife, they fight, someone falls through the floor/over the balcony, most likely temp dies, laying on the foyer, one leg bent awkwardly while wife buries her face in husbands chest as the police enter through the doorway with their lights flashing in the background as silently, the credits roll.

Sound about right?

Two snippets of movies...

So, I had time to kill today while I was checking trailers. I went in to 4 Christmases and about 30 minutes and then stayed after the trailers for The Day The Earth Stood Still. Keeping in mind that I like all genres of movies, which one do you think I'd prefer to go back and finish watching?

Hint-It didn't open this weekend and it isn't a romantic comedy.





*It's 4 X-mases. Why? Because the Keanu joint was boring the ever-loving shit out of me and wasn't making much sense. Plus, they had really bad computer-animated helicopters.

Fired Up!

Oh...look...what seems like Bring It On 40. However, it isn't. It's Fired Up!

It's what you get greeted with when you are dragged to see Twilight this weekend. It's about two idiots in High School/College (?) who hit on some girl and then somehow go to cheer camp. Where one falls in love with girl mentioned above and the other falls for the cheer camp teacher (Molly Simms). Hilarity does or doesn't ensue (it doesn't).

Seriously, it looks terrible and awful all at once.

17 Again...eh!

Remember this?


THE best "I woke up as a child again" movie. Really, the only one that is worth watching.

Of course there were others. Most recently 13 Going on 30, with Jennifer Garner, which was cute. But this?




This is awful. And unwanted, much like the earlier post for Friday the 13th trailer.
Watch Big! be remade (come on, that's what is going on here) with someone New Line thinks is the new Tom Hanks (he's not!). Matthew Perry falls into a vortex and now he's Zach Efron! And he's going to school with his kids! And he thinks his wife/friends mother is hot! But he's already married to her!! Oh my God, this is so awesome!*


*It's not.

It's so bad, I don't even care that the quality is so fucking awful!

If you managed to make it past that crap-fest above, and got to the text written here...congratulations! You are now more dumber (see, I watched it and now I say things like 'more dumber')!

It's the trailer for the remake no one asked for, Friday the 13th! Even though, like Saw, there have been around six thousand sequels and prequels someone thought, "Hey, let's make a new one. One with two people who should be better than this, even though one of them was in that House of Wax remake no one wanted. Yeah, the one with that herpes ridden Hilton girl". I imagine the exchange went something like that.

So anyway, it appears the "reimagined" version consists of two people going to a house (?) and finding a bed that says Jason on it and then a head in a shrine-hole and then the dude falls in the floor and the girl screams over and over again for no reason...oh and then at the end, she falls down and screams! I know, unexpected, right?

Remember this?...

No one else does either.

I was perusing the vault over at http://www.traileraddict.com/ and came across this little gem. And by gem, I mean piece of hardened shit laying in a hole. It's based on a video game (so Uwe Boll) and sucked (it was Uwe Boll). No, I didn't pay money to see this. I watched it On Demand at some point.

On another note...

The Alone in the Dark game came out. Well, the new one. I couldn't find a trailer that was good. But it looked good so I rented it on my Wii...what a piece of unwieldy shit! I spent about an hour trying to get this asshole to jump to this stupid ledge and then got so pissed off, I took it back to the store. It should have been called "Alone in the Dark" the video game, directed and written by Uwe Boll.

This...is what a good scary franchise is: Silent Hill

Or even better: This... The best game EVER! Ever...

I will not be swayed...ever. In fact, I am devoting an entire blog tomorrow to this fucking masterpiece!

"Exit Speed" Bad Trailer Edition

Wow...I saw this on one of my favorite sites Iwatchstuff.com. And because I found it so mesmerizing, so phenomenal, I had to post it here. It may become a new feature...now that I know how to do it!

The trailer gives a little run-down of the titillating storyline. A group of (ragtag rebels?) people are on a bus heading home (or away from the army!) and suddenly a bunch of bikers (?) appear and start to terrorize the bus. Yes, that is what happens. They then drive and drive and drive and somehow hit a biker and then all the other bikers magically disappear! Then "Does anyone get a signal" happens and the biker they hit shoots a gun in their direction! Whoo, intense! Man, what happens next? Then all the bikers come back! And they drive and drive and drive through a forest (?) Suddenly, they are in the dark and Caroline in the City says she'll make the run, she runs. Yeah...again...that was said.

I love how they tell the entire story in the trailer and how the head biker, or crotch-rockettier if you will, does nothing but pop wheelies through the entire "film". Seriously, it's a front wheelie, a back wheelie, can he do a side wheelie...I bet he'll try. When they are at night and near the "hangout" of the bikers, one of them is doing wheelies in a circle (I don't know why either).

I haven't seen this movie (nor, will I ever) but I get the whole thing from the neat 2:17 trailer.

"We stop we die, you understand that? We stop we die" In-tense!

Don't rent this...do not give them cause to make a sequel! Do watch the trailer and laugh.

I also added the "bus attack" scene! Whee, where MORE wheelies occur and the guy splits his legs in the air! OH MY GOD! It's cool! They're outlaws...no, not outlaws, nomads...Hell's Little Angels!