Echelon Conspiracy trailer 2

"If you turn me off, I'll kill you"
Hmmmm....tempting. And stupid. Why is it that any movie where a computer mainframe is sentient and trying to kill someone or do something to someone, is the voice female and monotone? Kinda like Eagle Eye? It's really dumb.

So we get a computer that gains sentience and now it wants to send out phones to random people who will get chased? Why? And I am guessing that they re-cut the trailer because people couldn't grasp the idea of the last trailer? It was really a difficult idea to get. Now we straight up are told that it is a computer called Echelon.

What's next? A television that calls Nielson members and convinces them that the best shows to watch are Survivor and Wife Swap? If they don't watch those shows, random governments are going to chase them around blowing shit up. It makes as much sense as what I just watched; probably more.

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

Everything about this trailer is original. I wonder how it will end? Will she end up with him? Will he realize he was an ass to all of these women? What. Will. Happen?

It's like a mash-up of Scrooged, the one John Cusack movie, any Matthew McConaughey movie and about every other bland romantic comedy. Unfortunately, Jennifer Garner got roped into it.

New creepy Coraline trailer. Demonstrating why you shouldn't take kids to see it!

This is a new trailer I found over at Trailer Addict (www.traileraddict.com) for Coraline. A movie sure to scare the shit out of your kids come viewing time. Sort of in the time honored tradition of The Labyrinth and Dark Crystal, only with clay instead of puppets.

Seriously, what makes something so much scarier when you slap some freakin' buttons on instead of eyes?

500 Days of Summer

I love Joseph Gordon-Levitt and this movie looks good. But, what's with the voice- over guy? It sounds like he's narrating for a creepy 70's slasher movie. In fact, there is a movie about some guy that becomes a chicken/killer who goes around killing people. It's really bad, but cheesy and the voiceover guy sounds exactly like the one for 500 days. So...is that what they are going for? I also think Deschanel, while beautiful, has the presence of a stalk of celery.




Basically, it's about a guy who gets dumped by his girlfriend and the film jumps around to times within their relationship.

Prey Alone short film

This is an awesome short film I saw in one of my classes today.

Made by two Irish guys named James Mather and Stephen St. Leger who filmed the actors over like 4 days on green screen and then spent a shit-ton of time doing all of the rest of the film. It was ALL special effects and it is amazing. But, what is the greatest with this movie isn't just the quality of the background work. Oh no! It's also top-notch acting, fantastic music and a kick-ass story. I won't ruin it for you, though I really want to because it's so awesome!

I can't believe I just heard about this.

Watch it, in two parts (boo), courtesy of Youtube (boo again) below:

Miss March

While I abhore anything that has to do with Playboy and it's culture of douche that seems to cling to it, parts of this movie seem kind of funny. Then again, there seems to be some funny moments like the whore falling out of the bus; that was funny.

It's a see-it-on-cable-for-free movie.

The Last House on the Left

It's remake time again! While I don't really understand why it's neccessary to remake movies that aren't that old, it seems to be the 'thing' to do in Hollywood right now. Basically it's about a family who moves to the last house on the left. The daughter, Bill Paxton's daughter, takes the car to go to town, or something and she meets this kid. The kid takes her and her friend home, where Cromartie (Garret Dillahunt, who is very good at playing every character he tries) yells at the kid and punches him in the stomach telling him something about not bringing people home. Apparently they are killers. I assume they kill the daughters friend and she runs away, only to get shot at in the river. They take off and end up at the last house on the left, where the girl's family is. They want the car, but mom says the daughter has the car and won't be back until the morning, they'll have to wait, but there is a guest room/house they could use. Meanwhile, girl is not dead in the river and she crawls/hobbles back home, where she tells the family these people tried to kill her and they all try to get away, but have to fight back and kill the killers. It looks like the one guy gets a knife to the cranium over the sink and Dillahunt forgets not to stick his head in the microwave. Most likely the family lives somewhat happily after all.

Does it sound like I saw the original? I didn't, I just watched the trailer. Really, you get all of this out the 2 minute trailer, ALL of this.

Obsessed. The movie we've seen a thousand times before...

In this trailer we see Ali Larter (bad actress, only cast in things so she can walk around in her underwear) playing a temp who begins to stalk her boss, Idris Elba, and then tries to kill his wife, Beyonce (why? I don't know. She seems oddly cast against Elba). It's a movie we've seen a bazillion times before. The old: She's new (temp, nanny, receptionist, etc), she wants the boss, he's married, she finds out he's married and won't cheat, he tells her to buzz off, she gets angry, she tries to kill herself but makes it look like he tried to kill her, abuse her, etc, he gets arrested and blamed, she goes after the wife, they fight, someone falls through the floor/over the balcony, most likely temp dies, laying on the foyer, one leg bent awkwardly while wife buries her face in husbands chest as the police enter through the doorway with their lights flashing in the background as silently, the credits roll.

Sound about right?

Two snippets of movies...

So, I had time to kill today while I was checking trailers. I went in to 4 Christmases and about 30 minutes and then stayed after the trailers for The Day The Earth Stood Still. Keeping in mind that I like all genres of movies, which one do you think I'd prefer to go back and finish watching?

Hint-It didn't open this weekend and it isn't a romantic comedy.





*It's 4 X-mases. Why? Because the Keanu joint was boring the ever-loving shit out of me and wasn't making much sense. Plus, they had really bad computer-animated helicopters.

The X-Files: I Want To Believe Review

Like a horrible cliche that I've heard a million times in reference with this movie, I wanted to believe it would be good. I really, really wanted to believe this movie would be good. The reason why you ask? Because I love The X-Files.

I don't know what it was that drew me to the series from the get-go, but I remember pleading with my mom to let me stay at home on Friday nights in order to watch the show. I was usually made to go to the football games that my sister was marching in and because these were the days before Tivo, DVR's and online viewing, if you didn't set your VCR, you were shit out of luck. But regardless of these facts, I was able to catch most of the show in one way or another and even though a large part of the series, the mythology if you will, regarded one of my two greatest fears/paranoia's, that being aliens, I loved it. I looked forward to being scared by some weird genetic freak-twin that detaches from its brother and murders the other freaks at the Freak Show (Humbug; Season 2); I still call Doug Hutchison 'Tooms' (Squeeze/Tooms; Season 1); Alex Krycek was one of my biggest crushes (Nick Lea still does it for me); 'Jose Chung's From Outer Space' (Season 3) and 'Bad Blood' (Season 5) were two of the most memorable, funny episodes of television I've seen; I was happy I'd recorded 'Home' (Season 4) because it was so controversial FOX said they'd never air it again. For almost the entire series' run I was enthralled, scared, humored, and followed the relocation from Friday night to Sunday night; I even continued to watch, though in a diminished capacity, when the new agents (Doggett and Reyes) came on and the magic of Vancouver was replaced by Los Angeles. There was just something about the mountains, coasts, forests and towns of Vancouver and Canada that made the series have it's creepy, moodiness. And at the end of the run, I wept for an amazing show that had little hope at the beginning and was so different from anything else on T.V.

Then came The X-Files movie, which kept to the mythology and which I really liked, it even had a great soundtrack. And then there was nothing. The stars went on with their lives. But last year I heard word of a new movie! Then came word that it wouldn't be related to the mythology and to which a casual or non-viewer could watch and not be lost; and there was where the worry began. Deep down there was that funny tingling in the pit of my stomach, that tickle of worry. Why would you make it unrelated to the mythology? Well, maybe it will be a stand-alone film, like the circus freak episode? Then I later read that the synopsis would roughly be: FBI agent Monica O'Bannon disappears and Mulder/Scully get called in to help, even though they are no longer working for the FBI, to determine if Father Crissman is really a psychic who knows her whereabouts. Really? That doesn't sound very X-Files-y.

Then the trailer came out, I was intrigued. I didn't get to see the movie in the theatre though and just had a chance to rent it the other day. It wasn't bad, it also wasn't good. There was no magic to it, no passion, no...nothing. I get it's a wrap-up and end it once and for all film, but where was the X-File?

(Spoilers Ahead!)

The film opens with the Agent O'Bannon being abducted by Cylon Leoben (Callum Keith Rennie) and some other man and then goes to what seems like the first of many unnecessary scenes of Scully treating some boy in a hospital and digging up research on his rare condition, but it makes more sense about an hour later; now these scenes just seem boring and unrelated to anything going on in the movie. Scully gets a request from the FBI to get Mulder to come help find this missing agent and to determine if Father Crissman is what he claims to be, or is he just a former priest who was convicted of molesting alter boys? Mulder, of course, comes to believe there is something going on here and Scully doesn't. But my question for almost the entire movie was: Where is the X-File? When am I going to get scared of watching this at night, in the dark, in my living room? Apparently the answer is: Never.

I still can't watch a significant portion of the series episodes without having to keep the light on in my room at night; I wanted this to be the case for this movie, and it wasn't. So why didn't I get it? All of the hullabaloo eventually comes to an end but it does so with little interest, intrigue and fanfare, and that made me sad. However, the movie was exquisitly shot, with amazing scenery (Vancouver and other parts of Canada, of course) and the usual quota of 95% of the cast from Da Vinci's Inquest and BSG. And I really liked that the snow was actually snow.

So I gave the film a 75% because I didn't like it, but I certainly didn't hate it and could, in theory, watch it again. But I wanted more, so much more, of that magic that captivated me from 1993-2002; monsters, aliens, ghosts and that Mark Snow-violin-prick-spine-tingling-oh-crap-there's-something-there music and theme song that I connect with one of the reasons for loving the medium of film and television.

The Proposal

Oh look, a movie! A movie that doesn't sound real good...at all. Ryan Reynolds play an employee at this company and he's late. And Sandra Bullock plays his boss and she's a bitch. She finds out that she's getting deported because her Visa is denied and just then He (not Jesus) walks in. She's quick on her toes and says they are getting married! In Alaska!

Away to Alaska they go and many things happen, included but not limited to: They are forced to kiss and fake kiss, then are made to real kiss and they do; they walk; they walk some more and she sort of-slaps him; Betty White is the Grandma; she takes a shower and for some reason has no clothes; he walks in shirtless and they run into each other; she tries on a dress and has little breasts and...they fall in real love!

Formulaic and boring, even with Ryan Reynolds.

The Boat That Rocked

Based solely on the description over at Trailer Addict (which, I assume, was given to them by the movie company) I would never even think to see this movie. But the cast is quite awesome and it looks funny.

So here is why I disliked the synopsis: "It's about a band of rogue DJ's..." What the hell is a band of rogue DJ's? Rogue machines, rogue robots, rogue computer programs, rogue C.I.A. agents...that I get, but rogue DJ's? Usually I just think of DJ's going to a club at 11p.m. spinning some tunes and banging Lindsay Lohan (eww...yes, eww. It's eww for both sides of that pairing), I don't think of them as being 'rogue'.

Chandni Chowk to China

What the hell is this? I think it's some kind of mashup of a karate movie that should star that guy from that one movie, "Kung Fu Soccer" (that's not a real movie is it?) and a Ballywood movie. Is that what it is? Is it?

The description says something about some simpleton cook who goes to Shanghai from Delhi to find his destiny or something. I don't get that from the trailer. What I get is that they had two movies that didn't equal two movies and so they took both movies, crammed them together and then made them one...

That's what happened.

Nothing But the Truth

I can't say if I'm really excited about this movie and that would be because it sounds like an episode of Law & Order: Criminal Intent or one of the Law & Order's. You know, because of the fact that it was "a case ripped from the headlines". Not to say that I'm not a fan of Law & Order, because I will watch the shit out of that show if nothing else is on.

This movie appears to be about a reporter who goes to another woman and tells her that she is going to out her as a covert C.I.A. Operative in the paper the next day. Well, then she gets arrested and put on trial and the rest of the movie is sure to be about how unfair it is that she was in jail and wasn't a traitor and blah blah blah. However, she should be put in jail for outing a government operative and possibly making that woman a target, as well as her family and also maybe the whole country...so I can't really say I feel sorry for her.

I think this is based on a true story, in some instances. I think I remember a story like this, right?

A new Friday the 13th Trailer! Yay!

And by 'YAY', I mean whoopity-doo.

Why are all of the actors almost 30? And some of them aren't really that bad. Take Jared Padalecki for instance, I very much like him. He's good on Supernatural and that's about it. He was in the remake for House of Wax and that pretty much was terrible; it had Paris Hilton in it for the love of crap! Ugh. But, that said he is enjoyable on Supernatural and has potential. Plus, he isn't bad to look at, even though I used to call him a WB Rat...I take it back.

Now to the trailer: It looks like every other stupid "Someone is chasing me around, I have to run, scream and fall" as evidenced by the part in the trailer where the girl runs, scream and falls and no doubt gets that machete to her face. Terrible. This could be good if in the remake we find out that Jason is really his mother who is the killer and kills people because her son was killed...oh wait, that's the original.

This should be awful. And rated PG-13 and make money because teenagers will go and throw candy at people and make me mad...if I were to see this, and I'm not going to see this.

Romancing the Stone remake...and a music video!

Some retard in Hollywood wants to remake Romancing the Stone (as well as Arthur with Russell Brand (yarp!)) and no doubt they will cast Matthew McConaughey and young Goldie Hawn (I couldn't remember her name). It will most likely be like that awful Fool's Gold (?) movie they made together only named Romancing the Stone. Sounds good, doesn't it? Yeah...



On another note: They will most likely want to remake the title track, Romancing the Stone by Eddi Grant. Only this time it will be made by say, Nickelback, Creed or Jessica Simpson. I'll go with Jessica Simpson. And this is why: If ever there is a song, good or bad, that is already made, Jessica Simpson can take it and fuck it up. She'll make those faces that look like she is having a stroke and crapping her pants at the same time and she'll run all over the place with her voice. Have you ever heard her cover of Robbie Williams' Angels? It is probably the most atrocious sounding piece of garbage I have ever heard. I'm posting it below.



But anyway, back to Eddit Grant. As a lover of all things 80's cheese, I have never heard this song. It is very bad, but it's bad in that 1980's way...and I likey. So here it is:



However terrible this might be, it's super-duper catchy.


Here's the Simpson version of Angels. The over-the-topiness and stupid faces begin around 1:06.



Here's the original, good version:

While She Was Out

A movie where Kim Basinger screams (her specialty) and runs. Wasn't she in some movie called Cell Phone or something where she ran around with a cell phone? This looks terrible.

Basically she is a woman who gets battered around by her asshole of a husband until one day she goes to the mall to buy wrapping paper (I almost wrote rapping) and can't find a spot and then somehow gets into it with some kids who chase her around for some unknown reason...until...I don't really care.

What I do care about though, is this: Did that tire iron just make a clickity-clack noise like a gun being cocked? I watched it several times, and it does appear that it does!

Lame!

Fired Up!

Oh...look...what seems like Bring It On 40. However, it isn't. It's Fired Up!

It's what you get greeted with when you are dragged to see Twilight this weekend. It's about two idiots in High School/College (?) who hit on some girl and then somehow go to cheer camp. Where one falls in love with girl mentioned above and the other falls for the cheer camp teacher (Molly Simms). Hilarity does or doesn't ensue (it doesn't).

Seriously, it looks terrible and awful all at once.

Hi! This isn't funny!

I remember the olden days, the days of yore, if you will. Back when the Wayans weren't just the funniest black family, but the funniest family period. Back in the days of:



Or this:



Yet now we get this:




What the hell is this? It isn't funny, it's horrible. There wasn't one second that I found funny. Not one!

2012 THE TEASER!

I know everyone will be on the edge of their seats awaiting the new Roland Emmerich film. And after the astounding awesomeness that was The Day After Tomorrow and 10,000 B.C., who can blame them. I am, of course, being incredibly sarcastic, because Roland Emmerich movies suck. They didn't always suck, or maybe they did and I just forgot?

I remember liking Stargate...maybe if I watch it again, I might change my mind. I didn't mind Independence Day at the time, but when I watch it now it really kind of sucks.

What is the worst thing about this trailer? I can't really decide. It might be that John Cusack, Amanda Peet and Chiwitel Ejiofor agreed to it. It could be that they ask you to Google 2012 in order to get some information. I don't know. I am pretty sure that the main reason it sucks is because I know what to expect. Bad story and bad effects.

I know all about the Mayan end-of-days they say will come in 2012. I've read books before and I don't need Roland Emmerich to lay it out for me in 120+ minutes of retardation...thank you