Echelon Conspiracy trailer 2

"If you turn me off, I'll kill you"
Hmmmm....tempting. And stupid. Why is it that any movie where a computer mainframe is sentient and trying to kill someone or do something to someone, is the voice female and monotone? Kinda like Eagle Eye? It's really dumb.

So we get a computer that gains sentience and now it wants to send out phones to random people who will get chased? Why? And I am guessing that they re-cut the trailer because people couldn't grasp the idea of the last trailer? It was really a difficult idea to get. Now we straight up are told that it is a computer called Echelon.

What's next? A television that calls Nielson members and convinces them that the best shows to watch are Survivor and Wife Swap? If they don't watch those shows, random governments are going to chase them around blowing shit up. It makes as much sense as what I just watched; probably more.

Games for "Girls"

What is a game for "girls"? Well, I would say it would be a game that boys wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole. You know, the games about ponies, shopping, and hairstyling; if you can call these "games" at all. I don't know who would want to play some of these games, but considering that I see a commercial for a new one every day, there must be a market. I'd guess that market to be girls around 9-15 years old who have no imagination of their own and so turn to a game about taking care of puppies and kitties and shopping, because what other excuse could there be?

I grew up playing video games and I can't really say that I ever felt the need to pretend to play gymnastics via a little digital girl on a balance beam, I just never did. What I did feel the need to do, however, was pretend to be a little Italian plumber who jumped around in various worlds, killing various little creatures, all in a quest to rescue a princess from a giant reptile. Or play a little guy with a sword also off on a quest to rescue a princess...you notice a theme with games here? Oh, I also spent loads of time outside playing and using my imagination to play with real dolls.

So, because I hate "girl" games (games made specifically for girls that include ponies, puppies, babysitting and cooking) that make it seem like girls have no interest in real games and only think about a few things, including shopping and babysitting, I decided to profile some of the ridiculous games that various companies decided to talk-down to girls with. (All descriptions are from Amazon.com)

1. Imagine Fashion Designer New York by Ubi Soft
Here's some exciting crap you can do with this exciting game! Enter a fashion house in New York and dress up digital people in clothes. Doesn't that sound fun?!? Gee golly, you get to pretend to be a fashion designer! Whee!

2. Littlest Pet Shop by EA
What's better that a real animal that you get to touch, feed and walk/play with? Why, a fake one, that's what! You can have hours (seconds?) of fun playing with a digital, fake, programmed animal. And even better, there are now Winter, Jungle and Garden versions!



3. Build A Bear Workshop by American Game Factory
O.K. this is getting pretty lame. There is an actual store where you can go and touch physical stuffed animals. Why would you want to play with a game of digital animals? Why? How is this a game? How? There is nothing that you do in this game but poke at the screen with a stylus and build fake stuffed animals. FTW?

4. Disney's High School Musical: Making the Cut by Disney
Want something more lame than the movies? Well, here you go! You get to make them dance and sing all across America! How fun is that? (It's not!)

5. All Star Cheer Squad by THQ
Pretend you're a cheerleader! Because you can't go outside/join a squad in real life! Rah Rah! You get to use the Wii fit board to make a fake person jump and jive (jiving not included in game)

6. Imagine Teachers by UBI soft
Pretend you're a teacher with fake students!

7. Imagine Babyz by Ubi Soft
This may be the worst! Pretend to take care of a baby, because they no longer make babydolls? Why is this considered a game? You can go find some mother who wants you to watch their baby and get paid for it in real life! Not pay $30 to do it! $30? Come on! This isn't a game.

8. The rest of the Imagine Whatever series by Ubi Soft.
There are a crapload of other games that Ubi Soft put out for girls and it seems the farther I creep down the Amazon list, the worse they get. And pretty much all of them are things you can do in some form or another in real life, and so don't need to "play" a game to do so. Is this really why you pay $200 for a game system? So you can play My Pretty Pony or Watch My Baby?

As you can see, I am not a fan of these "games" and seeing how most of them require you to do nothing but poke the screen with a stylus, I don't think they are actually games!

2012 THE TEASER!

I know everyone will be on the edge of their seats awaiting the new Roland Emmerich film. And after the astounding awesomeness that was The Day After Tomorrow and 10,000 B.C., who can blame them. I am, of course, being incredibly sarcastic, because Roland Emmerich movies suck. They didn't always suck, or maybe they did and I just forgot?

I remember liking Stargate...maybe if I watch it again, I might change my mind. I didn't mind Independence Day at the time, but when I watch it now it really kind of sucks.

What is the worst thing about this trailer? I can't really decide. It might be that John Cusack, Amanda Peet and Chiwitel Ejiofor agreed to it. It could be that they ask you to Google 2012 in order to get some information. I don't know. I am pretty sure that the main reason it sucks is because I know what to expect. Bad story and bad effects.

I know all about the Mayan end-of-days they say will come in 2012. I've read books before and I don't need Roland Emmerich to lay it out for me in 120+ minutes of retardation...thank you

Pink Panther 2

I'm sorry, what is happening here? What? This isn't funny, is it? It can't be!
It looks like Steve Martin decided to make another Pink Panther movie and sully the memory of Peter Sellers...this is just terrible.

Looks like we are still using the 'Hamburger' bit. We get it, he's French and can't say hamburger. And it would appear that the old diamond is once again stolen...so hilarity must ensue.*




*clearly, it doesn't.

17 Again...eh!

Remember this?


THE best "I woke up as a child again" movie. Really, the only one that is worth watching.

Of course there were others. Most recently 13 Going on 30, with Jennifer Garner, which was cute. But this?




This is awful. And unwanted, much like the earlier post for Friday the 13th trailer.
Watch Big! be remade (come on, that's what is going on here) with someone New Line thinks is the new Tom Hanks (he's not!). Matthew Perry falls into a vortex and now he's Zach Efron! And he's going to school with his kids! And he thinks his wife/friends mother is hot! But he's already married to her!! Oh my God, this is so awesome!*


*It's not.

It's so bad, I don't even care that the quality is so fucking awful!

If you managed to make it past that crap-fest above, and got to the text written here...congratulations! You are now more dumber (see, I watched it and now I say things like 'more dumber')!

It's the trailer for the remake no one asked for, Friday the 13th! Even though, like Saw, there have been around six thousand sequels and prequels someone thought, "Hey, let's make a new one. One with two people who should be better than this, even though one of them was in that House of Wax remake no one wanted. Yeah, the one with that herpes ridden Hilton girl". I imagine the exchange went something like that.

So anyway, it appears the "reimagined" version consists of two people going to a house (?) and finding a bed that says Jason on it and then a head in a shrine-hole and then the dude falls in the floor and the girl screams over and over again for no reason...oh and then at the end, she falls down and screams! I know, unexpected, right?

Fall 2008 Television

I thought I'd start out the new 2008 season of television by covering the new shows that will be premiering in just a week or two. It's been a long time since the last season, it seems longer than it actually was because of the 'ol strike. When the 2007 season started I was so excited because there were so many good shows that were starting...and then, the strike began! And all the shows went to a silent, silent slumber. Some woke back up, but some, some were taken off their life support and buried in the television graveyard; some even in unmarked graves.

I decided on a scale for this listing based on this hilarious commercial I saw last weekend for Pop Tarts. In the commercial two Pop Tarts are standing there and one eats a crown and the other eats a cowboy hat and the images both appear on their bellies. Then off to the right you hear a "No, No!" and a gulp. Then another Pop Tart appears on screen and he has a screaming Pop Tart on his belly and the other two shriek in terror and back off the screen while the new Pop Tart says, "What's the matter?" It is hilarious! So based on that I am using one to five cannibalistic Pop Tarts. I can't find it online, so I am just using the words instead of a picture.

So, we shall begin:

1. Fringe (ABC, Drama)- J. J. Abrams' new drama unfolds with a plane crash (yes, I know, but don't judge too quickly). It's not a rip-off of LOST, see in this plane ride, peoples faces melt off in their hands. That doesn't happen on LOST...ever! Right, so it's about an FBI agent who begins experiencing weird phenomena and somehow gets with an unstable genius and his son (Pacey). It looks quite interesting and since it is J.J Abrams, I am sure it will be great. I don't completely agree with the casting of Pacey, as I don't find him male lead in a show, at all. But, we'll give him a shot, who knows? The only problem really, is that it will be on FOX and we all know how FOX handles most good shows, right? Yeah, they cancel them!
I give it 4.5 Cannibalistic Pop-Tarts/5

2. Knight Rider (NBC, Drama)- Ummm...I get that Battlestar was a VERY good and successful reimagining of the original, but as we've learned from Bionic Woman, lightning doesn't always strike the same place twice.

However, NBC decided that because they had success with one reimagined series, they'd give it another go...with Knight Rider. Yes, Knight Rider. Last year it was presented on NBC as a backdoor pilot of which I had no desire to watch. Of course, it's been "updated" in many ways! This series follows Michael Traceur, Michael Knight's son (why he has a different last name, I don't know) in a brand new K.I.T.T. (Knight Industries 3000), a fancy new Ford Mustang (Hey! Product Placement!). Now instead of the original K.I.T.T.'s voice (William Daniels) we get Val Kilmer (Will Arnett did the voice in the pilot but because of contract issues with GM he could not continue in the series...again, the product placement, oh and because Val Kilmer had nothing to do). Plus, Michael now has a "team" and a "K.I.T.T. Cave" (I shit you not, that's what they are calling it!). I could be wrong, but this sounds bad...2 Cannibalistic Pop-Tarts/5.

3. The Eleventh Hour (CBS, Drama)- Rufus Sewell plays Jacod Hood a quirky, biophysicist who also happens to be a civilian employee at the FBI who is teamed up with, of course, a beautiful female, blonde FBI agent. I've read there isn't much of a background mythology, so I'm not sure of the point. You see, I like to have stand alone episodes, but I also like there to be something to keep me coming back even during those stand-alone times; I'm not sure this series has that.
3/5 Cannibalistic Pop-Tarts.

4. Life On Mars (ABC, Drama)- Oh Boy! Yeah, so this is a remake of a British series whereing Sam Tyler, a detective in England, gets in an accident and ends up...in the 1970's...or does he? John Simm was fantastic in this show as Sam Tyler, a man from the present, lost in the past. Periodically we hear voices and noises that sound like reality; hospital beeps and boops, people pleading with Sam to come back, etc.

ABC picked up the "remake" and made a series starring Jason O'Mara. I like O'Mara, what I don't like is a great show being remade badly, or remade when it isn't neccessary. British remakes don't last real long when brought to the U.S.A. (see Touching Evil; moody, and great. Cancelled too soon. This show was an exception, but was cancelled none the less.) Why not just show the original? Because we like to steal U.K. shows and make them, mostly, bland...or good (Touching Evil) and decide that they are too dark and need to be ended.

3/5 Cannibalistic Pop-Tarts.

5. The Ex-List (CBS, Dramedy)- This show is to replace the fantastic Moonlight (which I may have been a tad harsh on last year). It is about a woman who goes to a psychic and is told that she has already found her soulmate in a previous relationship. She has just one year to find him, or lose him forever.

I think that giving her just one year seriously limits the amount of time the show can run, unless they make a year last four. Either that or they will drastically change the storyline of the show if it lasts more than a year by making the psychic a psychiatric patient who escaped and posed as a psychic yet our heroing is still skeptical. I'm guessing they didn't think ahead and are betting on a cancellation. Moonlight fit in with Ghost Whisperer and Numbers (Num-3-r-s's), which I've never watched , though I find David Krumholtz strangely attractive. But I digress... 2/5 Cannibalistic Pop-Tarts.

6. Dollhouse (FOX, Mid-season Drama)- Joss Whedon, Tahmoh Penikett, weird...probably good. However, FOX equals cancelled usually. Remember Firefly? This series stars Eliza Dushku as Echo, one of many "Actives" who have their memories erased and imprinted depending on what their mission is. Problem is, Echo starts to remember her past missions and that creates conflict as she isn's supposed to remember.

I read somewhere that the "house" is actually a dollhouse given to the daughter of the companies boss and they are all really dolls the girl plays with...or is it? I'm intrigued...4/5 Cannibalistic Pop-Tarts.

7. 90210 (CW, Drama?)- Needed? No. Wanted? No. Will I watch it? Like most of America who grew up with the original, I probably will if only to see how they've f'd if up. Then the ratings shall drop. Or they'll stay and the "stars" will start whoring it up and drugging it up around Hollywood until they inevitably self-destruct!


So there are some of the new shows premiering this fall...Let's see how they last!