Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Places you eat at that suck!

This is a majorly off-topic topic, but never-the-less it needs to be covered.

Have you ever eaten at a place so terrible that you wonder why it's still open? A place where at lunchtime during the week there are about a dozen people scattered over 5 or 6 tables? The waitstaff is less than friendly, they don't even pretend to be friendly, and the busboy talks and acts like the mongoloid idiot who was born and bred in a tower or a dungeon? If you haven't, you are very lucky. If you have, you feel my pain.

A few years back I went to Red Lobster for the first time. I was on my way to my friend Eric's play and I was with a group of my friends. We decided, as a group, to head to Red Lobster; Travis said it was imperative that we go because of their fantastic cheddar biscuit things. I thought, "I've never been there, I like seafood (well, fish at least), why the hell not?" Well I should have said, "Hell, NO!" and ran like the wind bustling around a building on Eastern Michigan University's campus. I didn't do that. Instead, most of us were seated and we ordered food. I decided on fish and chips; how incredibly hard is it to make fish and chips? I mean, it's fish and chips not rocket science. I also ordered a salad with ranch, as did most of the table. Well, we ordered salads with ranch but really we got Ranch Soup. As Christian said, "I think I am done with this ranch soup", causing all of us to laugh hysterically as is often the case with this particular group of friends.

Remember when I said 'how hard can it be to make fish and chips"? Well, apparently those at Red Lobster decided to take on this challenge. I guess they won, depending on how you look at it. It was the worst $16 dollars for a meal I've ever spent. That's right, $16 for shitty shoe-string battered, tasteless fish (?) and what seemed to be those dehydrated shoe-string potatoes you buy in a can along with a pop and ranch soup. Needless to say, I decided right then and there that I would not return to a Red Lobster. I thought it was the worst place I had ever eaten at...until today it was.

Today...I went with my mom to Belleville, glorious Belleville (I know, don't be mad you didn't get to go to this fantastic, tropical locale) to have lunch with my cousin Kelly and Aunt Linda and to give Kelly some wedding presents. They couldn't make it but my mom and I decided we would stay and go eat at the restaurant, Dos Pesos, which was kind of creepily located inside a strip mall next to a Subway and I don't know what, on the other side. To say the least, the place wasn't exactly an eye-catcher when we walked in. It was this weird sort of pink/salmon color that was applied to the walls in a style that may have been trying to emulate stucco, even though stucco is applied to outside walls. Maybe they were trying to make the inside look like the outside? They failed. Pay no attention to the fact that it was lunchtime, on a Wednesday and there were about 12 people, at the most, scattered among 5 or 6 tables. Then the "busboy" (Igor? Dungeon troll?) brought out chips and salsa and muttered, "the red one is hot" before shuffling away. The menu had about nothing on it and I decided, much like Red Lobster, "How can one mess up a cheese quesadilla?" and again, they appear to have taken up my inaudible challenge. And again, they may have won? I have never experienced a greasy cheese quesadilla, how the hell do you make a quesadilla greasy? OMGWTFBBQWII? Holy hell that was the worst, worst, WORST meal I have ever eaten! Tasteless, gross, nasty, greasy quesadilla made with what appeared to be Muenster cheese. Why would you use Muenster cheese to make a quesadilla in a "Mexican" restaurant? I barely ate a third of one of the quesadillas and the rice, don't get me started on the rice! It was like orange, bland oval-shaped shit-pieces. Gross!

The whole entire experience reinforced my dislike of eating at places located in strip malls with insurance agencies, Thai/Chinese/Mediterranean food places, Tae Hwong Do Kwan Do (seriously, there was a place that was roughly named such. It was the "NEW" type of something) and a liquor store. It also makes me miss the little signs in L.A. that tell you, grade-wise, "Hey, you might be O.K. eating here", even if it means nothing it comforts you a lot.

So...add this restaurant to the list of restaurants that I shall never visit again!

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